Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Therapy Thoughts

How do you write about therapy? 
It's not a topic that comes up in day to day life.
Aside from a few close friends, no on even knows I'm in therapy. Except for now, when I decide to write about it in a public forum. With a blog title like Mentally Messy though, it shouldn't be a surprise to people that I may be looking to sort some things out. Even still, it's a difficult thing to admit. I've thought long and hard about what I would even say.. or if I would say anything at all.

So I'm just going to write.
First, no one told me to go to therapy. No one suggested that maybe I have some issues to address. I decided (after a long period of finding and loosing happiness) that I wanted someone to talk to. And so I found a therapist. I've been diligently going every Wednesday for the past almost 3 months. Still after 9+ sessions, I have mixed feelings.

I don't know what I thought therapy would be. I don't know if I expected to walk in and tell her my issues only for her to chime in at the last moments and tell me how to sort out my shit. That's not what happens, by the way. I wish that's how it went down. But then, that would be too easy. Therapy is anything but easy. It's mostly just me talking as she sits across from me all beautiful and blonde and smart, and listens. She just listens. I don't know if it's just me or if everyone has this reaction but that is hard. To sit and talk about your innermost thoughts and feelings for an hour is hard. Knowing that I am telling all my personal business to a person I know nothing about sends shock waves of terror through me. 

We talk about whatever is on my mind that day - be it a problem I'm struggling with, my family, tragic things, happy things. It all comes out.. Like emotional word vomit. Sometimes, she'll give me a knowing look if she can sense what I'm saying is especially painful. Bless her, she laughs when I try to make an uncomfortable situation funny. 

Here's where the mixed feelings come in. Some days I leave the office happy and refreshed. Like the metaphorical boulder of emotions I carry is finally rolling along on its own. Those days I feel light. Those days I beam confidence and light. Other days I feel drained. I've never been one to talk about my feelings. So talking about painful or even happy things for an hour can be extremely exhausting. Those days I wonder why I do it. Especially when I am offered little advice on how to proceed with my thoughts when I leave the office.

I'm not saying therapy is bad. I'm just saying I'm not sure if it's for me. Maybe I'm simply not strong enough to unload my baggage on someone else. I find it far more therapeutic to write my thoughts out and discuss them internally with myself. I will try a little longer though. Mostly because I'm not sure how exactly one goes about breaking up with their therapist. Perhaps I should start with it's not you, it's me.. That always seems to end well.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Pod People.. My Float Therapy Experience

My new home... this is where I live now
In the ultimate search for peace, quiet and mental clarity, I have decided to become a pod person. A sensory deprivation pod person, that is.  There are numerous benefits to this kind of therapy, I'm told. It can help with insomnia. Relieve muscle and joint pain. Help with anxiety and stress (my obvious goal). So I decided to jump in.. Or rather carefully slide in to seated position and lay back slowly, as my instructor instructed. 

Before thoughts: 
What the literal hell am I doing? I am about to enter a pod just large enough for my body, with no light or sound and 10 inches of water..for an hour. I'm internally freaking out before what is supposed to be the most relaxing experience of my life. Now, I've done my research, I'm a research girl, and apparently, in all the time of pod life, no one has died. That's a plus.  
Still, with the thought of death drifting out of my mind, I wonder about my search for mental clarity.  
What if I don't like what I find in my fully self aware head? I can get a little hefty up there sometimes. What if I start unpacking these thoughts and immediately want to pack that baggage back up? "Nope, not today issues. I'll try to tackle you again in another 30 years." 60 isn't too old to become mentally stable, right? 
Of course I can always just exit the pod if I don't like it. Maybe I won't think of anything of any consequence.. Maybe I'll be bored to tears.  
Suck it up woman and get in the pod.  

After all the directions and fancy buttons are explained to me, I get in the shower. This is mandatory to remove all the outside junk they don't want you bringing into the pod. There are ear plugs, a neck pillow (which I didn't use) and a spray bottle in case I get the water in my eyes. 

I get in the pod and close the hatch.. that sound alone is enough to have me wanting to call this whole thing off. It's loud and creaky and not as smooth as you would think it to be.
But once I am securely in my pod I start to relax. Now, I can't really explain everything that happened in there. It's kind of like an out of body experience. You have no sense of time. How long have I been here? 15 minutes? 50? You can't tell where your body ends and the water begins. I didn't move my legs the entire 60 minutes (which turned out to be 70 because I was early and the guy liked me. Thanks, Boo). I legit forgot I had legs by the end of my time.

I let my mind wander wherever it wanted to go. I found myself recalling facts from childhood that I had long forgotten. After a while I tried to clear my mind of all things and just listen to my breathing. It was intense. I can see how people say this could be an emotional experience. You could really use this however you wanted - to activate your brain and gather new ideas or work through a problem. Or, just let your mind go blank and completely relax. 

Automatically, the door opens when your time is up. You're greeted by cool air, which feels nice after being in a tub the exact temperature of your body. I laid there an extra minute just taking in the experience. My body felt shaky and kind of heavy when I stepped out and into the shower. Like when you wake up from the best nap of your life and your body feels new again. Skin feels like if a baby put on the most ridiculous fancy lotion ever.. like, really soft. Another shower and I am out the door.

So, would I do it again? Absolutely. It was an amazing experience which I think would only get better after doing more. I feel every time would be new, depending on where your head's at when you step in. If nothing else, it's relaxing as hell and I felt full of energy afterwards. That's enough to make me do it over and over. 

Friday, April 21, 2017

Thankful Things

Truck Yard in Dallas on Easter, because class. Back to the grind with my workout in my tiny cave home gym. Random 90's music that just makes your heart happy. And drinking out of pineapples with your best girlfriends - also makes my heart happy.

Hello Friday! I wanted to take a moment today and look back on things that make me happy... things I am thankful for, if you will. I find that it's easy for me to get caught up in what's not going right and overlook the things that are good right in front of me. So, here are my thankful things...

- I have Sirius in my car for free for another few months so I like to do some category browsing while driving (stopped at a red light, safely). I was having a pretty shit tastic day the other day when I heard this gem blowing up my speakers. Can we take a minute to recognize Hanson? Now, I know there are people out there who will give me the "I never liked them.. boy bands are stupid" but if you were a teen in the 90's you got down with some Hanson. Whether you choose to admit it or not, that's up to you. Mmmbop? Don't even get me started.

There are two drinking photos above.. not because I'm an alcoholic (most likely) but because I am thankful for the moments these photos capture. Truck Yard in Dallas on Easter with fantastic people and great music. Beautiful weather to sit outside on the patio. If you're a Dallas person who has never been or does not care for the atmosphere of Truck Yard, I'm sorry we cannot be friends. Friends it what brings me to my next photo. Had a most perfect girls night with my crazy ladies. Complete with drinks prepared in pineapples.. and a really unfortunate decision to take pickle back shots. Don't know what that is? It's probably for the best.

I workout (not said in a braggy way but in an LMFAO sing song way. Get it?) I've got my workout mojo back, and for that I am thankful. I actually really love to work out. It's a time where I don't have to think about anything but the workout, a welcome vacation for my overactive brain. And I always feel better after doing it. Plus, abs. Right? Not that I have them, but I am eternally hopeful.

And that concludes my thankful things... thanks for listening! See you next time, America. 

Monday, April 17, 2017

Light and Laser Love

Hi my name is Jamie and I am addicted to lasers.
Seriously, if there is something I want to fix and you can shoot a laser at it? I'm in. Sign me up. Give me the goofy goggles and get to work. I might even say, "Beam me up Scotty" but I feel that may be too much.

So what exactly can lasers do? Pretty much everything but all I can tell you about is what I've personally had done.
And here it is.. in no particular order. Things I've had lasered. 
Let's not overlook the greatness that is laser teeth whitening
1. My eyeballs. About 5 months ago, I had PRK - AKA Lasik eye surgery. It was honestly one of the best decisions I have ever made. Take it from someone who couldn't read or see anything further than 5 inches away from her face - If you get the chance, do it. Yes, it's costly (if you have bad eyesight) and the version I had wasn't particularly comfortable. But I would do it again 100x over to be able to wake up and see every morning.

2. Face. I go about every 8 weeks to get an IPL photo facial. IPL stands for Intense Pulsed Light (technically not a laser, so sue me). It uses light to heat up and damage pigment, redness, or blood vessels in your skin. When this happens, your body ninjas come heal damage and reabsorb pigment. I love it. I am able to wear less makeup and not have splotchy dark patches on my skin.

3. Tattoo removal. Dun dun dun... I have tattoos. And I loved most of them for a long while. But I am having 2 removed. Now this is no joke.. it's painful, takes forever to fully go away (in some cases) and can be costly. Moral of this story? Don't get tattoos, kids. If you do and don't like them later... be prepared for some painful removal.

4. Hair removal. This is my new found love. If I were rich, I would have it done on my entire body. Shaving is the pits. Shaving you pits is the pits. Hair has gotsta go.. I figured if I was doing it, I would start big so I jumped right in with the lady bits. Let's face it, maintenance down there is a pain - literally and figuratively. I've had one treatment so far so I can't say I've had drastic results, but I am optimistic.   

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Fitness... whole burger in my mouth

I'm a pizza girl. Never met a taco, donut, or plate of pasta (don't get me started on pasta and bread) that I didn't like.  

Even as I write this, all I want is a cheeseburger. And about as many French fries as I can cram in my mouth at one time without choking. But I am really serious this time... I am turning over a new leaf and committing to a program. BBG program to be exact. 

(this is an actual photo of me eating lunch... Pinkies up, ladies. Keep it classy)

With work, life and a general sense of gloom radiating around me lately, I've found myself lacking in the health department. You see, when things are going good I eat great (ish) and workout 4-5 days a week. When life comes around and pees in my Cheerio's, I take a different approach and eat said Cheerio's (sans pee), along with everything else. I also play fast and loose regarding my workout routine, regardless of my mental state. I work out whatever muscle feels like it wants to be worked out that day. Not going to lie, it's mainly booty.

This program.. This program, y'all, is going to hold me accountable. I've printed all my instructions and workout guides. I've made myself a handy calendar to track my progress. I've even put it all in a binder (you know I'm serious if I put it in a binder.. I don't waste office supplies).

Now, I may never be ballsy enough to post progress photos but I will talk about my journey. If for nothing else but to hold myself accountable. Right now though, I have a brownie calling my name and a few more days until week one...

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Unapologetically Saying What You Mean

There's something be be said about saying what's on your mind. Now, I'm not saying I'm one of those people. No, I'm the opposite. I will hold on to my opinion about most serious things until I am ready to explode. Most of the time, that's exactly how I end up saying what's on my mind. When it's the least appropriate, most intense, absolute wrong time.   

You see, I'm a pleaser. I want to take care of people. I want people to like me. To do that, I am agreeable. But at what cost? When does being compliant with everything stop helping things and others and begin compromising my own self?  When I do say what I feel, even at the most inopportune time, I feel better. Relieved and my accomplishment of speaking my words. Then, ultimately, I feel bad. Bad because I kept it in for so long and let it out in such an intimate, unrelenting way.   

Step one in this self discover thing, for me, is saying what I feel when I feel it. Unapologetically saying my words and owning them. Because they are mine and they are worth it. I am worth it.    

Friday, April 7, 2017


Can a foot massage heal your soul?

Well, I don't know. And I won't be able to come to a conclusion by the end of this. 
My guess? Probably not. But damn, it feels really good and my soul is feeling pretty spunky right now.

Reflexology, as described by (my very reliable source) Wikipedia, is the gentle manipulation or pressing on certain parts of the foot to produce an effect elsewhere on the body. Simple enough, right?

It's said to cure all sorts of ailments- from digestive issues, allergies, infertility and more. My reasoning for the lunchtime visit? Stress, of course. I just want a little stress relief. In an effort to keep this light, let's just say I've had some stuff going on and was looking forward to 40 minutes of foot pressing and silence.. 

I'll tell you, It was pretty amazing. I don't know if my allergies are gone but I felt light and tingly and that's enough to make this girl happy. I do think that this may be my new Friday lunchtime treat yo self moment. Because I'm worth it, right?

Can I Be Honest?

I'm 30.. Newly 30. Not that I didn't know it was coming. Not even that I wasn't prepared or particularly worried about it happening, but here I am. 
And I'm going through some stuff. The typical life stuff that 30, and pre 30, and even post 30 stuff that people go through.

What's my point here? 
I don't know.. Honestly. I'm no different than any other person out there who is struggling to become the person they are meant to be. 

I've just realized lately that I haven't been taking care of myself in the way I should have been over these past 30 years. Sure, I eat (relatively) healthy and work out. I try to relax and take deep breaths when times get tough. Although I look ok on the outside, I never take care of what truly matters - my sanity. My utter ineptitude to take care of my mental health has to change. 

And that, ladies and gentleman, is why I started writing. This is my journey. My journey to healing myself. My current and previous ailments. Mental, physical, and everything in between.